Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Me for NY

Once the nomination of Senator Clinton for Secretary of State became official, the big name pols no doubt started working the phones to jockey for position to be appointed to the open seat. And whoever ends up appointed will have the dubious distinction of being the unelected Senator appointed by the unelected Governor. In the increasingly dark blue New York, however, an open Senate seat is as close to the holy grail as you can come for a Democrat.

While the speculation has focused on, you know, elected officials, I would like to highlight here today a dark-horse candidate for the position: me.

The selection of myself, whose electoral history includes an unsuccessful run for the Washington Park Condo Board of Managers, would throw the entire system into shock. But in an already historic election season, why not continue making history by appointing the most unprepared Senator ever.

It is clear that there is some sort of constituency for people like myself serving in office. How else can one explain the continued/annoying media fascination with morons like Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber? But in addition to shoring up the average idiot vote, I would also draw in the coveted Latino, birdwatcher, hockey player, and Seinfeld enthusiast voting blocs.

And consider the lack of Hispanic diversity in the Senate. With the already announced retirement of Senator Mel Martinez from Florida, the Senate Spanish Speaking and Soccer Watching Caucus will lose a third of its membership in 2010. Who will laugh at Ken Salazar Mexican jokes when Mel is gone? Nobody, that's who. Okay, maybe Bob Menendez will, but you get the point.
I bet state Senator Carl Kruger agrees with me on this point. Nobody is a bigger advocate of Hispanic and Latino issues that Carl Kruger. Yup, that's Carl Kruger, whose family name was originally Krugeriguez or Krugercia (can't remember which), but was shortened when they immigrated from El Salvador. I understand that you may be uncommitted to my candidacy at this point, given the fact that my historic selection as the most unprepared Senator is not convincing to you. Allow me a few moments to clarify some of my agenda should I have the extreme pleasure of serving the Empire State in the greatest deliberative body in the world.

1. Enact a National Bigger Better Bottle Bill.
2. Require all airports to provide insulated and heated viewing facilities for plane enthusiasts.
3. Deport Dean Skelos.
4. Sponsor renewable public transportation by strapping rickshaws to the homeless in NYC.
5. Mandate Green Bags for every student and professional in the US who takes their lunch to work, and impose $250,000 fines for violations.

If you are convinced, write a letter to the Governor encouraging my candidacy. New York will be better for it - or worse, can't really tell at this point.

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