Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Goodbye, America

Well, it's been quite the run. For 19 years plus, this land has been a great place to grow up. In 2006, I took the final step in calling America home by applying for and being granted US citizenship. It's been a sweet marriage since then.

Out of the blue this morning, I was contacted by the Immigration and Naturalization Services (INS) Office in Laredo, TX - which I am told handles storage keeping for INS. They informed me that as they reviewed my records in preparation for microfiche, they noticed several discrepancies with my application for citizenship which have subsequently been further investigated by the Office.

Apparently, there was a momentary incident after my permanent residency had expired and before my citizenship became effective where I was in this country illegally. This could all have been avoided had I read the fine print in the citizenship paperwork warning of such possibility. Tisk, tisk. And the people at INS are no fun and certainly don't believe in "misunderstandings."

After a lengthy phone conversation with INS Agent Ordsby of the Provo, UT Field Office, I came to the conclusion that it was probably best to "not fight the man" and assume the consequences of my misdeeds. I expected to have to pay a small fee or write a letter explaining the mishap. Little did I know that what the INS had in mind was to deport me to Argentina with a ten-year prohibition on setting foot in the United States, pursuant to their standard procedure in these types of cases.

This could be a problem on several fronts. First of all, I'm going to need somebody to water my plant for ten years. Second, I may have to quit my job. Third, I'm definitely not going to be able to go see Tim E in Cali.

You may be wondering why I am taking all of this relatively in stride. It could be because I am somewhat sleep-deprived after the last two-plus weeks at work. Also, given the favorable exchange rate vis-a-vis the Argentine Peso, I expect the modest refund coming from Uncle Sam will go quite far down South. In addition, I have an enormous craving for asado. I have not given much thought to what I will do for a living once I settle down in Argentina. My current career does not translate very well to the country's political structure. Argentina's governance system is a corrupt one where patronage is king. I suppose I should have taken a job with the Republican Party if I wanted to be able to fit in down there.

I have considered becoming a full-time airplane blogger. I have done some basic research and have found that there is no real source of pointless airplane and airplane accessory information for aviation aficionados. I would have that market cornered with my new blog: "Aviones que he conocido."

Goodbye, America. You have been good to me. See you on April Fools Day, 2019.


Christine said...

You actually kind of sorta got me on that one. I mean, I was pretty sure you weren't being deported. But I was also fairly certain that you did have an INS encounter and maybe you were illegally here a few months or whathaveyou. I was fairly certain of this because, you see, I reported you to the INS a few weeks ago.

Sparticus said...

I have been weary of you ever since I saw you with that Border Patrol brochure.

Anonymous said...

" preparation for microfiche, they noticed several discrepancies..."
What's microfiche? is that some kind of a texan ceremony?

Sparticus said...

Microfiche = fancy Frenchy way of saying microfilm...

I was suprised they had this technology in Texas myself.

Brianna said...

goodbye, america hater.

should you try to come back, know that i have rigged the citizenship test to include only questions on the west wing and harry potter.

you will fail.