Who is Sparticus?

Do you remember writing your college entrance essay?

For me, it was a horrifying experience because it felt like the whole objective of it was to glorify yourself in 400 words. "Oh, look at me. I'm so wonderful, I worked in a soup kitchen, and I tutored Cambodian immigrants, and I shoveled sidewalks for the elderly." Those people should add: "Never mind that I did all that stuff just so that I could get into your prestigious university and will probably never do any of it ever again."

So, perhaps I should give this disclaimer. This is not about telling you why I'm so wonderful and terrific and why you should care about this blog. I went to the "bad" high school in town, I went to state school for undergrad and graduate school, and I am a proverbial state worker. Clearly, there are a lot of people ahead of me in the worthiness totem-pole.

Please, read this post instead as if you are reading the weather forecast - it's simply for your information.

I am the first-born child, and as such I never let my little sister forget that. As a baby, my doctor once called me tyrannical because even as a months-old baby I would terrorize my parents by crying at night until they carried me from the crib into their bed.

Oh, did I mention that ages 0-7 occurred in Argentina? Yes, I am from the South, deep South. I was born in Godoy Cruz, Province of Mendoza, in the Republic of Argentina. My extended family is still there, with branches scattered in Spain and Australia.

I grew up in Fort Collins. I did not like it there until I left it. That is where my mother and sister still live.

My parents divorced three days before my 10th birthday.

The single most difficult moment in my life was that call from my mother at 11:45pm on April 15th.

I still have not fully recovered from that - and I'm not ready to write about it either.

When I graduated in May with my Masters degree, I became the second person in my entire family with a graduate degree.

Now, I am a part of New York's dysfunction.

When I came to the Northeast in 2006, I could not wait to leave. Now, because of her, I cannot stand to be away.

New Rule: First Class eligibility

The Capital Region's own A.K. is on her way to the West Coast. I do not know the reason for the trip, but seeing as how it is around Thanksgiving, I am assuming that may have something to do with it.

Based on anonymous sources and web-based research, A.K. was probably on this flight from Albany to Cleveland early this morning. Notice how the flight path cleverly avoided all that mucky weather in Western New York. Well done, pilots.

And now, she is over the midwest on her way to LAX.

And as she waited for her flight to depart, the A.K. checked in with some thoughts on her travel so far. She reported a situation that frequent air travelers have no doubt encountered but have resisted from commenting on due to the sensitivity of the issue. As the premier airplane and airplane accessory commentator in the Greater Washington Park Area, I have no qualms about tackling the controversial issues and I will say what you all have been thinking.

In a tribute to Bill Maher, I will do in the format of a...

New Rule: You cannot fly first class unless you are old enough to appreciate it.

Not only is it a waste of money to do so, but it's cruel to all the other passengers, like the A.K., who have to parade past 7-year olds in first class on the way to their cramped seats in the back of the plane. What's the point of unlimited legroom if your legs can't even reach the floor?

I'm conflicted about my own mother in first class because I don't think she could reach the floor either. But, that's an issue for another day.

For the record, I am not anti-kid or anti-short people. I was a camp counselor for 6 years (here and here) and I probably would still be one if I didn't, you know, have a mortgage. I just happen to think that a 7-year old in a recliner-size first class seat is a misappropriation of valuable cabin space.

Perhaps the problem is not who is in the first class seat, but the existence of the first class seat in the first place. Let's face it, the class system in airplanes simply perpetuates the divisions between the haves and the have-nots in our society. Isn't it good enough to be better and wealthier than everybody else on the ground? And is the curtain really necessary? Are you all afraid that you're going to catch the "middle-class disease" from us? I hear it's going around.

Party like it's 1978

My Lake George/Greater Adirondack Region Bureau Chief recently sent me this well written defense of airline re-regulation. Yup, a case for more government, and even though I recently wrote about how dysfunctional government can be, I could not agree more.

The airlines were deregulated in 1978, by the aptly called Airline Deregulation Act. This law gave the airlines pretty much free reign to set routes and establish their own prices. Good idea, right? Sadly, Jimmy got this one wrong.

Mr. Elliot outlines eight areas in the airline industry that government would be well advised to become involved in. They are: (1) ticket prices; (2) executive pay; (3) disclosure; (4) human rights; (5) the truth about delays/cancellations; (6) frequent flyer programs; (7) passenger compensation; and (8) common sense - i.e. making airline tickets transferable.

I know nothing about economics. Absolutely dumb as a rock on the subject. But, folks, capitalism in its purest form is a farce due to a little concept that I and others - like Nobel Prize winning economists - like to call market failure. And the fundamental failure of the airline industry is that it is, for all intensive purposes (that was for you), a cartel.

Allow me to explain why that is the case. The product being offered is homogenous, there are relatively few providers, and there has been a fairly transparent allocation of territories. Delta owns Atlanta, Northwest has Detroit, and American is king in Dallas. Sure, perhaps it's not perfect territorial allocation, but try flying into Atlanta on any airline other than Delta. How's that ticket price treating you?

And, by the way, if you think I'm on the fringe for thinking this, then "Hi, welcome to the fringe, BBC."

Therefore, under this assumption that the airline industry suffers from an incorrigible market failure, then Mr. Elliot's points are valid. Consequenlty, in an industry where the market has failed, government has a duty to become involved.

Of course, government probably won't get involved, which is odd because I think that most of the legislation that comes before my desk involves issues that legislators should be keeping their noses out of. But, the airline industry is powerful, and I am sure that just like Michigan lawmakers were beholden to the failing car industry for decades, the airline people are probably friendly with the right lawmakers.

Instead of enacting the bold regulations that we deserve, the public will instead be left, as is usually the case, with a talking points-style press release promising accountability, and "further study" and a reiteration of how Congressperson So-and-so cares about airline passengers, and blah blah blah.

And be sure to hold on to that press release, because it will make for a good meal when you are stranded for 14 hours at the tarmac and the airline is charging $27 for a bag of stale peanuts.

We'll get more of this.

And less of this.

Come on, Congress. Do it for the children.

I got the call

In high school, I never really knew what it was like to wait by the phone for that special girl to call. Let's face it - I was on the debate team, you don't get over that sort of stigma too easily. But at least it's not like I expected the call, you know?

Last night was different, though. I was waiting for my mistress to call, that lady they call "Hockey."

Since I am not yet a full-time member of the Night Owls Hockey League, I am forced to wait for open spots before I can lace up for the game. And last night, right as I was losing hope and thinking that Lady Hockey was taking a pass on this Argentinean, she called.

And what a night it was. I played on the left wing.

Not this one. This one. It was, by all measures, another very close game. Close in chances. Close in shots. Close in falls. And, most importantly perhaps, close in score. The first period ended 3-2 in favor of the other guys. We came out roaring out of the gates in the second, tying it at 3-all in the first shift, and then going ahead 4-3 on a goal by Brian, assisted by yours truly. After 2, the score was 5-4.

And then came my moment of glory. With about 10 minutes remaining in the game, I came in on a line change, picked up a loose puck at their blue line, darted in untouched and put in a glorious shot over the goalie's glove. I probably could not do that again in a thousand tries. But that was the only try that mattered. That gave us a 6-4 lead, which was a margin that we needed, since they grinded out a goal with 5 minutes to go.

So the line after two games: 1 goal, 2 assists (3 points); 1 GW goal, 1 GW assist. Not too shabby.

I did not have to wait until the last minute for my next date with this icy mistress. She came calling again this morning. Next Sunday, 7pm, Albany County Hockey Facility. Be there.

For those of you worried that this post does not deal tangentially enough with "Airplanes I Have Known," then consider that:
1. Alex Tanguay, pictured above, is a left winger, formerly of the Colorado Avalanche, who scored the game-winning, series-clinching goal in the Game 7 of the 2001 Stanley Cup Finals, which...

2. Allowed the legendary Ray Bourque, pictured below, to finally lift the Cup after 20+ years in the National Hockey League, and whose autograph graces the back of my copy of "Crime and Punishment" because...
3. He was waiting for his daughter at Denver International after she flew in the seat next to me on a flight from Boston to Denver, a moment which...

4. I consider to be my first date.

Airplanes.

Being on stand-by at work

Have you ever flown stand-by? You know, when you go to the airport hoping to get on a flight because for one reason or another you had to suddenly change your plans.

Well, I had to do it once. I was flying to Argentina for the holidays one December and my scheduled flight from LaGuardia to Miami was so delayed that I feared I was going to miss my Miami-Santiago connection. I ended up flying stand-by to Miami on an earlier flight out of LaGuardia and barely made my next connection.

It was gut-wrenching. It was nerve-wracking. I was literally the last person called onto the plane. I would not want to do it again.

Except for that my whole job is like flying stand-by. Allow me to explain. So, you may have heard on the news that there is, shall we say, an economic crisis happening. The Governor called a special session to make some budget cuts in light of said economic crisis. Turns out that this very hyped and anticipated special session...well, it basically did not happen. Instead, we got a full hour of some of the best reality TV I have ever seen (another clip here) in the form of a televised 5-way leader's meeting.

So, this last week at work, for all intents and purposes, was like flushing money down the toilet. All the work. All the analysis. All the meetings. All the memos. All the charts. Yeah, they are not looking all that worthwhile right now.

Don't get me wrong. I still enjoy my job very much. I just happen to work for an institution that thrives on last-minute action (or inaction, if you will).
And today as I sat at my desk at the Alfred E Smith Office Building, all that inaction made it feel like I was flying stand-by all over again because all we did was wait. And we waited some more. And we waited for session to be called. And we waited for the education team to be summoned. And we waited for something, anything to happen. And in the end, the flight (i.e. the special session) was cancelled.

The so-called experts have various tips for flying stand-by. I condensed their suggestions into these four main ideas:
1. Don't check luggage.
2. Get to the airport as early as possible.
3. Call the airline ahead of time.
4. Stay at the gate until the doors close.

These are great ideas, but they do not do anything for me at work. So, if you find yourself on stand-by at work, follow these simple tips:
1. Pack four hearty meals. (Preferably in your Green Bag).
2. Make sure your cellphone is fully charged the night before the magically disappearing special session.
3. Park your car in a spot that won't require you to move it for at least three days. (Albany readers, you know what I mean.)
4. Think that you'll be home by midnight, that way getting home earlier than that will seem like a blessing in comparison.
5. Make sure to take plenty of bathroom breaks, otherwise you could get uromisotisis poisoning and die.
6. Get a job with the minority party so that nobody really cares if you are there or not. (Yes, that was mean, but it's true.)
7. Use your extra time at work to send President Bush a thank you card for his wonderful stewardship of the US economy.
8. Learn a foreign language - or in my case, try to finally get a good grasp of English.
9. Start a hunting expedition to kill the office mouse. Behead it and display the severed head as an example to all the other mice.
10. Blog about it.New York State Government: Because somebody has to make Congress look good.

A triumphant return to the ice

Last night I returned to organized hockey after a 3-year hiatus. Back during my time in NoCo, I was very involved in both roller and ice hockey. I was playing, at one point, on three teams: the Brew Crew, Proformance Auto, and the "Red" team. I had every intention of keeping up some level of involvement when I got to Albany, but it was not to be. I could not find a rink that I liked or a league that fit my skills. That all changed last Sunday when I went to the Albany County Hockey Facility, located just off of Runway 10/28 at Albany International Airport. Last Sunday, while I was waiting for drop-in to start, I saw the end of the game of a league that seemed to match my skill level and speed to a T.

Short story shorter, I played last night in front of a packed house of four fans, one of which was decidedly cuter than the others.

And what a match it was. The team I played for, the "Black" team, snatched victory from the jaws of defeat, winning 4-3 after coming back from 3 one goal deficits. Yours truly assisted on the game-winner 47 seconds into the final period.

It was not all grood times last night. It took me just about the first two periods to get some rhythm, and I felt like I had no legs all night. In drop-in hockey, there is a decidedly lack of interest in hustling back for defense, so I was not used to all the intense up and down skating required when you are actively interested in the results.Of special note, the wonderful people at Albany International were using Runway 1 (opposite end pictured above) as the active, which means that players and spectators alike were treated to two takeoffs almost immediately above the facility during the course of the game.

Voluntary Guidelines: Code for Doing Nothing At All

This week, a federal commission looking into whether there is a need for a passenger's bill of rights reported their recommendations. The commission came about as a result of the inhumane and unacceptable conditions that many stranded passengers had to endure during the Valentine's Day snow storm two years ago. If you recall, during that incident, passengers were stuck without food, water, or access to the bathrooms as their aircraft sat delayed on the tarmac for hours.

The commission, shockingly dominated by the airline industry, not so shockingly recommended that airlines adopt voluntary guidelines.

Now, I'm no pundit, I know nothing about politics. But, aren't voluntary guidelines what got us into trouble on Wall Street? Voluntary guidelines are the political equivalent of punting - they come after failure to do anything meaningful and you're out of ideas.

What happens when you give a child a "voluntary guideline" such as: "Timmy, it would be nice if you could mow the lawn. I would really like that, but you don't have to if you don't really want to. Only do it if you want to, it's not a big deal. But it would be nice if you would mow the lawn, you know, since I have robotic arms and work five jobs and I can't really do it. But if you don't want to mow the lawn, don't worry about it. It's O.K. Really. Only if you really want to."

Let me tell you a little story: Timmy ain't mowin' the lawn.

My mother never used voluntary guidelines. She always used her favorite grammatical form: the imperative, which goes something like this: "Mow the lawn now if you expect to eat dinner tonight - and look like you're enjoying it, too."

And I mowed and I enjoyed it.

So, basically, the commission is saying go with option 1 and the airline industry promises they will magically do the right thing. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this idea.